May Agent of the Month – Amy Nielsen – First Page Results

Amy Nielsen The Purcell Agency

Amy’s  Wish List

Picture Books

• I’ll be looking for hyperbolic, zany storylines that teach a life lesson (even subtle) or ones with laugh-out-loud moments written simply to entertain.
• Check out the legendary Robert Munsch and Michael Marchenko for what I’m hoping to see in my inbox.

Middle Grade

• I’ll be looking for fast-paced stories mostly set in a contemporary setting that feature characters that think, act, and talk like real middle graders.

Young Adult

• I’ll gravitate toward contemporary issue-driven plots where teens find themselves in situations they aren’t equipped to handle, but eventually figure it out.

Adult Fiction

• I’ll lean into contemporary women’s fiction where the main characters are shattering glass ceilings despite obstacles, and defying stereotypes.

General Wishes

• As the mother of an autistic child, I’d appreciate any story that features characters across the autism spectrum written authentically and free from stereotypes.

• I’d swoon over a Gilmore Girls retelling with a paranormal or speculative element, anything that could comp my favorite song of all time, “Never Surrender” by Cory Hart or a story set in a coastal boating town.

• I’m also always game for any fairy-tale retelling or re-imagining, especially if pulled into a contemporary setting.

• I would love any age range where a dystopian plot mirrors a current social issue. Think Handmaid’s Tale versus the current political landscape of abortion. Or how the political landscape is impacting marginalized communities such as the LGBTQ+ and BIPOC.

In all age ranges and genres, I’m looking for:

• Succinct and simplistic writing.
• Diverse representation from authors to main characters, including but not limited to BIPOC, LGBTQ+, neurodiverse, and persons with disabilities.

I wouldn’t be the best fit for:

• Epic fantasy (if your story features a dragon or fae—probably not for me),
• High-concept sci-fi (if most of your story doesn’t take place on Earth—probably not for me)
• Historical fiction (unless it’s the 80s or 90s then bring it on) I’m fine with dual timelines as long as the majority of the plot is in a contemporary setting.
• Erotica. I’m fine with some on-page-steam, but not if the plot centers around it.
• Literary. If your story isn’t genre fiction, it’s probably not for me.

If any of this fits your manuscript, please follow me, and stay tuned for when I’m open to queries! I’d love to eventually see your work in my inbox!

Across all age ranges, I’m looking for pacey, plot-driven, and succinct stories that take place in immersive settings. My favorite genres are:

• Contemporary
• Dystopian
• Horror
• Issue-driven
• Paranormal
• Political
• Romance
• Speculative
• Suspense
• Thriller

2024 Update: I’m leaving my list here, but I am not actively pursuing any more picture book authors. I LOVE you all, but my client list is very full at the moment. If something comes across my desk through a pitch event or referral that fits something I don’t already have, I would consider it. Best of luck to all picture book authors! Keep writing!

• Hyperbolic, zany storylines that teach a life lesson—even subtle
• Laugh-out-loud stories to simply entertain
• Comps to Robert Munsch and Michael Marchenko
• Supplementary educational materials

Middle Grade will make up about 15% of my client list. I’m looking for:

• Characters who think, act, and talk like real middle graders
• MG main characters who have unique hobbies or whose parents have unique careers

Young Adult will make up about 35% of my client list. I’m looking for:

• Contemporary issue-driven plots where teens find themselves in situations they aren’t equipped to handle, but eventually figure it out.
• YA main characters who have unique hobbies or whose parents have unique careers

Adult Fiction will make up about 35% of my client list. I’m looking for:

• Contemporary women’s fiction where main characters are shattering glass ceilings despite obstacles and defying stereotypes
• Male leads who also defy stereotypes.

I wouldn’t be the best fit for:

• Epic fantasy (if your story features a dragon or fae—probably not for me)
• High-concept sci-fi (if most of your story doesn’t take place on Earth—probably not for me)
• Historical fiction (unless it’s the 80s or 90s then bring it on) I’m fine with dual timelines if the majority of the plot is in a contemporary setting.
• I’m fine with some on-page-steam, but not if the plot centers around it.
• Literary (If your story isn’t plot-driven—probably not for me.)
• Nonfiction (I will take the odd NF especially if it’s about social injustice, parenting, and neurodivergency.)

If you check out my website, http://www.amynielsenauthor.com you’ll see an Events tab at the top of all the conferences, workshops and writer’s retreats I’ll be attending. If you have an invite, please feel free to reach out. I love to give back to the writing community!

BELOW ARE THE FOUR FIRST PAGES AMY READ AND CRITIQUED:

Cecile Mazzucco-Than UNDER THE FIG TREE YA novel historical fiction

Prologue  Stai Attento

September 14, 1942  the worst day of Frankie’s life

To Whom It May Concern: 

I am a long-time and loyal employee of Porter Tube, Bronx, New York.  I am writing to make you aware of the presence of a man I believe to be a dangerous enemy alien whose father-in-law was awarded a military medal by the Italian government and who might be a spy for Mussolini. 

The floor trembled under Frankie’s resoled saddle shoes, a shiver at first, then a high-fever shudder that traveled up her legs, wobbled her knees, and swayed her hips. Frankie threw open the window, rested her forearms on the sill, and leaned out a nose-length over the fire escape. In seconds, the Third Avenue Elevated Train would come roaring by the kitchen window rattling the eight drinking glasses in the cupboard. [AR] Very visual and descriptive. Well done!

She gathered saliva at the tip of her tongue behind her pursed lips. She was going to tell the engineer exactly what she thought of the train that wound through the South Bronx umpteen times a day shaking every building like a baby rattle. [AR] A baby rattle feels like maybe not the right analogy. She knew that if she screamed at the exact second the engineer’s car passed her window, the force would rip her voice right out of her throat and throw it past 175^th Street, but today she’d find out what would happen if she spit.

Ever since first grade she told her best friend Sophie Goodman she could probably hit the engineer right in the eye without even aiming. He’d be so disgusted he’d quit, and nobody would want to take his job after hearing what happened. Then, they’d have peace and quiet. Maybe even hear Mayor LaGuardia’s air raid sirens and get out before a bomb hit. Sophie insisted that the spit would whip right back into her own eye.

HERE’s AMY:

Hi Cecile,

Thank you for the honor of reading your first page for UNDER THE FIG TREE! I love the voice on this page. You really nail it very well! I can tell Frankie is a spit-fire of a character and I love that. Voice is that thing that you can’t really put your finger on it, but you know it when you see it!

I typically give a lot of in-doc notes. I didn’t here. And here’s why, you are a fantastic writer. Your descriptions are vivid and spot-on! Very, very well done. On a line level it’s perfect. I’m not just saying that. Breathtaking.

That being said, I do have feedback, for me, and I know this is a prologue, but it felt very quiet. And maybe it is. But the letter reads not quiet then the opening scene is our MC alone in her thoughts. I also found some of the sentences too long. The typical sentence length for fiction is 10-11 words. And if this is YA you really want to try to stick to more shorter than longer. Especially if you are world-building (which you are since this his historical) you don’t want to risk the reader forgetting a detail by the time they get to the end of a lengthy sentence.

So those are my notes. You are a fantastic writer and I am honored I had the opportunity to read this first page.

Best,

Amy Nielsen

The Purcell Agency

*******

Barbara Gold, OPERATION SAVE PAWPRINTS, an Izzy Rose Green Mystery, Middle Grade

Sunday

It was supposed to be a fun vacation.

Nine days in a lake house with Grandma, my friends Paige and Samantha, and Samantha’s little dog, Chewie. [AR] When we learn everyone else’s name first it can be confusing for the reader to know who the MC is and who they are supposed to care about. No thinking about sixth grade. No learning about complex sentences, quadrilaterals, or diagramming animal cells. No responsibilities.

But that plan changed on day one.

I was sitting on the porch in a wooden Adirondack chair, my pajama-covered butt lower than my feet. The morning sun winked sparkles onto the lake and a few birds chirped nearby. [AR] Very good visual. What I really loved is no filtering language! This shows me you’ve studied the craft of writing or it’s just intuitive to you:)

All else was quiet and still … until I saw it. At first there was only a blurred smudge against the mountains. Then it loomed larger and larger and closer and closer.

Wa oo oo oo oo. Wa oo oo oo oo.

The loon’s cry came from the lake as an eagle, its wings spread wide, ripped through the endless pale-blue sky, aimed to attack.

Whoever named this an Adirondack chair should have called it The Designed-to-Trap-You chair. [AR] YES! LOL!  I grabbed its thick, flat arms, yanked myself up, and clutched the porch railing. I’d see better from the dock. But just before Grandma left to go food shopping, she told me, “Izzy, stay put until I get back.”

Again, the loon’s cry sounded. Wa oo oo oo oo. Wa oo oo oo oo.

Seriously, Grandma, stay put?

Grandma couldn’t have meant those exact words. Stay put. Like not move! She probably meant that I shouldn’t go beyond the property. I hiked up my too long pajama bottoms

HERE’S AMY:

Hi Barbara,

Thank you for the honor of reading your first page of OPERATION SAVE PAWPRINTS. I love MG work. I was an MG librarian for ten years. It’s such a fun age range to write for. Your knowledge of the craft of writing is obvious in this opening page. The sensory details are well done. And I feel this inner monologue does feel like a MG voice.

I usually put a ton of in-doc notes and this piece on a line level didn’t need that but I do have some feedback.

What I look for in an opening scene is typically more than one character, action, dialogue, and interiority coupled with plot-forward momentum, on-page tension, and a hint at what the character wants. So, we do get what she wants. She wants a lovely vacation and something is going to disrupt that. What we don’t get is dialogue. The only line is one she is remembering something her grandmother said. I’d maybe consider starting at a different spot. If her friends are there, where are they and why is she alone on the porch? Did they have an argument? Is she up before them? Again, stories that start with one character in their head can be a risky move.

I am only one person, and if this feedback doesn’t resonate with you, then you stick to what you love about your story. You are a great writer and best of luck moving forward!

Best,

Amy Nielsen

*******

SIX-MINUTE CON by Jay Lehmann YA Thriller

Running [AR] The title gives me such thriller vibes and the fact that it’s got six minutes in it already gives me heart-racing pacing expectations. Well done! a con was stressful as hell. No matter how much thought you put into a plan, something always went wrong and someone always got hurt. And that someone was usually Tony. But Tony had to admit, the thrill of it all could be addictive, at least it was to Frank, who had roped him into doing jobs again and again and again.

Right now was a perfect example. As Tony sat at his desk in their bedroom, Frank was pacing back and forth blabbing about their next hustle in that way he did when there was no turning back. Tony braced himself for what wild scheme would come next. [AR] So for me, when a manuscript starts with telling instead of showing, I worry that the manuscript will be tell heavy. I’d recommend fleshing this out as a scene instead of telling it. I’d also recommend cutting any backstory. It slows the pace. The title again felt super fast paced, but if you read these first two paragraphs we don’t get that feeling. And are they brothers or in a relationship, ages, when you say at his desk in their bedroom I’m confused about who these people are. Carefully crafted dialogue or interiority could do the trick easily:)

“For this to work, we need a casino right across from a restaurant offering a food challenge.” [AR] This confused me. It also didn’t feel like realistic dialogue. I’d dial back the grammatical correctness. I’d also add an action beat. So far there really isn’t anything to visualize so far. Ex: Frank pointed to the map. “For this to work, there’s gotta be a casino here and a restaurant hosting a cooking contest here.” See what I mean? The action beat gives the reader something to see. This dialogue alone doesn’t.

“Uh-huh.”[AR] If Tony is the MC I’d opt for giving him an opening line of dialogue that’s stronger and more character of plot building. If this is the first time he speaks on the page, and this is what he says, do you think a reader will find it compelling? fanned a stack of notecards. Despite Frank being Frank, a smile overtook Tony. To think that these notes contained some of the greatest accounting innovations ever.  All he had to do was own them as if he’d invented them. [AR] I’d cut the backstory. Keep us in this scene. Give the reader sensory details to visualize the room without telling us what it looks like.

“I’ve Googled all of Virginia, and there’s only one restaurant that works; it’s a barbeque joint in Portsmouth.” [AR] My daughter lives in Portsmouth! Awesome place!

Frank tossed his phone onto the mess of pillows and blankets on the junior mattress. [AR] This is a great detail. You aren’t telling the reader, but showing. You could even dial it up by being more descriptive. Frank tossed his cracked-screened phone onto the pile of dirty flannel shirts that lived on his too-small-for-them-both bed. Now I wouldn’t use this example because its too many words for a sentence, but just to show how a little more specificity can go a long way in world-building and character-building.

“Yeah.” [AR] In this first page our main character has only said, “Uh-huh” and “Yeah.” If this is his character I’d use interiority to show it. Otherwise, maybe start in a different place because so far Tony isn’t showing agency on page one and it’s really important for the reader to pretty quickly know what the MC wants.

There was no point in disagreeing. Tony sensed that Frank’s plan had become the runaway train it always did. You either had to jump on board or get plowed over. [AR] I love this line! Well done!

Tony’s phone chimed: four p.m. If he pulled an all-nighter, he’d still have twenty-three hours to prep for the competition. The best accounting students from high schools across the country would be battling it out for the $3000 scholarship. And Tony stood a good chance of winning. [AR] Now I see what he wants. Gotcha!

Why was it that every time he was on the brink of summiting a peak experience, Frank would trigger an avalanche? It was happening again. He was sure of it. [AR] So they are brothers? I’m still confused. But I love the fact that I now see the stakes. I know what Tony wants and Frank is standing in the way.

HERE’S AMY:

Hi Jay!

Thank you so very much for the honor of reading your first page for SIX-MINUTE CON. By the time I finished the page I could clearly see what Tony wants and how Frank is going to be a problem in him getting it. I think the plot sounds so compelling and fun!

I put notes in the document, but for me, I think what you might want to address is unburying the hook. What I mean is if this is a story about Tony wanting this scholarship start with that so it’s crystal clear to the reader faster. Maybe he’s studying and Frank busts in on him. Maybe there is specific dialogue exchange they have about this next con ruining his chances. Maybe Frank gives him a hard time about wanting to go to college when it’s clear to him there is no need. I wanted more on-page tension and there wasn’t really. Tony was in his head the whole page which can be risky on page one.

Of course, I’m only one person and I always tell authors to stay true to your story. Best of luck and it was a pleasure reading your work! I tried to find you on Twitter to follow your writing journey but couldn’t find you. If you follow me, I’ll follow you back.

Best,

Amy Nielsen

The Purcell Agency

*******

Never Say Never by Mary Raebel, picture book [AR] Never Say Never, Love the title!

Bob the shepherd had an easy-peasy life in Nothing-Ever-Happensville. “I am NEVER leaving.” [AR] I’m not sure if Bob is an animal or person. Maybe add another art note here:)

I also struggled with the title of the town being Nothing-Ever-Happensville. Which sounds like he lives in a place that wouldn’t be fun. Maybe consider adding in something to clarify. Like is Bob lazy and he likes that he lives in this place.

Then one day, Sheldon wandered off. (Art note: Sheldon is one of the sheep.) [AR] Wasn’t there a fence to keep the sheep in? What has kept them all this time without wandering off?

Bob searched the forest and finally found Sheldon, happily munching on a blackberry bush.

“This will NEVER happen again. Do you understand me, mister?” [AR] Would Bob use the term Mister while he’s scolding Sheldon? Mister implies to me more of a term of respect which clearly he isn’t being respectful.

On and on Bob scolded. “No climbing on the big rock for a week!” [AR] My biggest feedback so far is why did Sheldon run off and what specifically is “This” that Bob is talking about. Does Sheldon know he’s not supposed to leave and why is he not supposed to leave?

“What?” cried Sheldon. [AR] I think Sheldon should have a more specific reaction. I’d suggest using this dialogue to character build.

“No dandelion dessert for a month!” hollered Bob. [AR] If Sheldon says more above and uses specificity, Bob could then say additionally he’s upping the punishment by also tacking on no dessert.

“Oh, no.” [AR] Again, I’d change this dialogue to show the tension escalating between the two.

“And no sheep-overs with friends until you—”

“Beeeee,” cried Sheldon. “I’ve NEVER been so scared.” Sheldon bleated on and on about the horrible forest creatures he had seen. “Dragon Wizard!” [AR] Is there a bee here on the page? This seems to me like an abrupt take that reads as jarring. I’d hint at Sheldon coming up with a distraction if that is what he’s doing. And going from a bee to properly named forest creatures didn’t make sense to me. And how did he know their names?

“Oh, my!” Bob gasped. [AR] Again, I’d use all dialogue for specificity and character-building. What are we learning about Bob through this dialogue?

“Ferocious Fairy! Lizard Queen! They tried to eat me!”

“Waaa!” cried Bob.[AR] What is this in reference to? Is this how Bob would react when earlier he was very condescending to Sheldon. “We’ll NEVER go into the forest again!” [AR] This line of dialogue didn’t make sense to me since Bob didn’t go into the forest WITH Sheldon. He went and found him and is this conversation happening still in the forest? How did Sheldon go from happily munching blackberries to terrified?

“NEVER,” agreed Sheldon. “Now, may I have some dandelion dessert?” [AR] Master manipulator move. Love it!

A few days later: “Where’s Sheldon?” asked Bob. [AR] Who did he ask? In your Art Notes could you show how the sheep look different so Bob would know which one was Sheldon.

“He would NEVER go into the forest. Those horrible forest creatures must have taken Sheldon!” [AR]You don’t need to repeat his name twice. Did he think the forest creatures came into the pasture from the forest? Would he ask if anyone saw them?

“Beeee!” [AR] Is this supposed to be “Baa?” Typically in the onomatopoeia for sheep is Baa with two A’s. I’d recommend sticking to the standard. bleated the other sheep. “Go find him.”

“In the forest?” whimpered Bob. “NEVER.”

“Beeee! We’ll NEVER be happy again!” [AR] How do we know the sheep were happy before? Why aren’t they happy now? Was Sheldon super important to the group?

HERE”S AMY:

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for the honor of reading the first page of NEVER SAY NEVER. I love how Sheldon turns the tables on Bob. I know this isn’t the full story, but I can already see that Sheldon is probably out munching on blackberries again happy that Bob won’t come spoil his snack. Well done.

You’ll see in my in-doc notes, I think the biggest areas I felt could use improvement would be just fleshing out so the reader is curious, but not confused. You want curiosity. And I think you have that, but I was confused in several sections. We don’t want that. Especially for our baby readers. And illustrations will help a lot but if an agent or editor is confused that is risky. If the text isn’t fleshing out what the illustrations will, I’d opt for more art notes. So the places where I was confused, I’d either revise the text or add a very brief art noteJ.

Of course, I’m only one person and I always tell authors to stay true to your story. Best of luck and it was a pleasure reading your work! I followed you on Twitter and I look forward to following your writing journey!

Best,

Amy Nielsen

The Purcell Agency

Amy, thank you for sharing your time and expertise with us. I enjoyed reading them and your thoughts. I know they will help everyone who reads them. You can get so much from reading a first page and finding out what things an agent thinks could be improved and why. Hope to work with you again. Keep in touch.

In case any of your missed seeing Amy’s debut YA book WORTH IT. Here is the link to Writing and Illustrating’s Book Feature and Amy talking about her journey.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy